Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
