Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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