Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
