I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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