Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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