im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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