WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
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I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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