Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
