currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
