Taylor Swift is so right about you.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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