Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize