So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
