If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My breasts were aching with rage.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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