i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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