when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
