last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize