Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
