and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
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That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
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Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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