she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
