your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
