What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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