Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
