I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
