If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
