so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
