I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
