I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
