he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
