You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
