I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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