Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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