i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
