You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
