I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
