I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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