i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
