I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
