Me. At least after what I've been through.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
