I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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