your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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