My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
