I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
