That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
