I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
