You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
