I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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