if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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