i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
