I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
