Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
