when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
