I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
