peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My cat gives me a boner
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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