If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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