you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
