I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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