my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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