I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Boobs are out for the taking
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
