Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think your dad took our porno
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
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