Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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