fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
