On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
