I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
